


Heart-Shaped Glasses

by Gaybrand



Category: Tribe Twelve
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Crying, Demonic Possession, I'm gay and Angsty, I'm in charge now, M/M, Self Harm, Sex, Sexual Harassment, Smoking, Suicide Attempt, They're gay also Angsty, brief vinny cameo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-02-15 07:11:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 20,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13025898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gaybrand/pseuds/Gaybrand
Summary: [i don't mind you keeping me on pins and needles, if I could stick to you and you stick me too, Don't break my heart and i won't break your heart shaped glasses]Noah wants nothing more than let Kevin back into his life, but through external and internal sickness of the mind and body he has resigned himself to an awful existence of solitude. Has he been damaged too much to ever trust perhaps his last remaining friend again? Ifhe did let him in, would Kevin even stay after learning of the events that have Happend in his absence?And in the end, would it matter if their lives are only pawns to cruelty?





	1. Supercut

**Author's Note:**

> There's no fics of them and I'm mad about it so I made one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [In my head, I play a supercut of us  
> All the magic we gave off  
> All the love we had and lost  
> And in my head  
> The visions never stop  
> These ribbons wrap me up  
> But when I reach for you  
> There's just a supercut]

Noah was awake, suddenly, not remembering falling asleep. He only recalled the flashes of nightmares.Nightmares he'd had for weeks, years even. The screaming and distorted images already began fading from his thoughts as he was so used to them now. 

He opened his eyes for a second and was met with Dizzy, confusing colors and shapes that made no sense. His head throbbed and warm liquid dripped steadily from his nose. Noah couldn't stand to keep his eyes open for more than a second at a time. The ground under him was hard, wooden possibly. He was fairly sure he knew where he was and he didn't want to open his eyes to confirm it. 

Eventually he accepted he had no other choice and slowly opened his eyes little by little, abrasive light causing his head to ache worse. He managed to open his eyes fully and make out his surroundings. He became suddenly aware of how remarkably sore his entire body was as he looked up and a blue sky somewhat obscured by a roof of leaves. 

Noah sat up ignoring the aches in his joints as he looked around almost confused by the lack of something trying to maim him. 

“The fuck…” he muttered. Everything seemed completely normal, it was daytime even, and he didn't like it. Too nonthreatening. 

He heard a soft groan from behind him and he whipped around so he was perched on his knees ready to stand and run if need be.

Someone was lying facedown on the boardwalk just a few feet away. Noah recognized him. Observer. Or possibly Kevin? Noah didn't know. He didn't know if there was even a difference at all either. 

He started coughing violently and shaking. Noah watched growing more concerned but not able to bring himself closer, fearing it was a trap. 

Observer (Kevin?) Managed to stop coughing for a moment and pull himself to his hands and knees. There was blood dripping from his mouth and nose and a pool of it underneath him. His glasses were crooked on his face. He looked dizzy and unsure of where he was. Noah watched him, still caught between fight and flight and unable to make a decision. 

He sat up slowly, pushed his glasses higher on his face, and tried to wipe some of the blood away from his mouth and nose. He frowned looking at the red stains on his hands. He looked around him and spotted Noah who froze completely.

“N-noah?” His voice was soft and shaky “Noah where…” he was interrupted by another aggressive coughing fit. He was wheezing and struggling for air. He made horrible retching noises, shaking until he threw up more blood. 

That spurred Noah to stand, albit slowly, and limp over to Kevin (he was pretty sure it was Kevin at his point though not positive enough to completely trust him). Noah might be suspicious of whether this was actually his old friend or not but on the chance that it was, he wasn't going to let him sit here and die. Noah crouched down and gently touched his shoulder as Kevin tried to steady his breathing again. 

“hey, come on let's get the fuck away from here,” Noah muttered looking around the suspiciously normal boardwalk “,you should probably see a doctor or something...just hold onto me” 

Kevin nodded and put his arm around Noah's shoulder. Noah held onto him, pulling them both to their feet and catching Kevin who nearly fell over. “C'mon I got you, just walk” Noah huffed. Kevin was heavy either that or Noah was weak. Regardless, they slowly made progress down the boardwalk, Noah looking over his shoulder often and Kevin wheezing trying to keep from coughing again. 

It took some time but eventually they got out of the woods and to the parking lot. Noah gently leaned down and helped Kevin sit to rest for a bit. They sat on the curb, Noah keeping an eye on Kevin who seemed somewhat disoriented.

“I don't know how the fuck we're getting anywhere” Noah muttered trying to think. Kevin just shrugged a little looking off at nothing in particular. 

Noah looked at him, blood was still dripping slightly from his nose. 

Kevin blinked a few times seeming to try and clear his head. He hadn't said anything since he'd first woken up. Noah wasn't sure what to think, but he was fairly confident that Observer wasn't here. 

“I guess we should walk..” Noah said eventually “..you need a doctor.” 

“No.” Kevin gripped Noah's arm suddenly, Noah flinched both from the sudden interruption and from being touched. 

“Sorry...I just…” Kevin shook his head and let go of Noah “im fine... I just need to lay down for a bit.” 

Noah frowned. He was worried, but hesitant. What if he's making a fucking idiot out of me, what if it's been fucking observer the whole time. Intrusive, paranoid thoughts plagued him but he pushed them away in favor of hoping he was talking to his childhood friend,and not a monster.

“Ok...well, I guess we could go to my house... figure things out maybe. If you want to I mean” Noah said running his hands through his hair.

“Yeah...that sounds like a good idea..” Kevin slowly stood up and nearly lost his balance. Noah caught him again and,holding nearly all his weight, started heading to wear he was pretty sure his house was. It was going to be a long walk.  
\----------------------------------------------------  
Noah sat in his living room keeping a close eye on Kevin who was sleeping on the couch. He looked peaceful, breathing slowly, his glasses set on the end table and a soft blanket draped over him. Nothing had happened in the hour or two Noah had been watching him, 

It had been a long, exhausting walk back home and Kevin had nearly passed out halfway through. They had managed to get there eventually though Kevin had still refused to let Noah take him to the hospital. So Noah had cleaned him up as best as he could and let him lay down.

Noah was tired as hell but he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. Too many anxious thoughts. He worried kevin wouldn't be ok, He worried that it wasn't even Kevin. Most of all he worried about what would happen next. 

Kevin stirred eventually opening his eyes, sitting up, and looking around confused. He seemed to start remembering what had happened when he saw Noah. 

“Hey…”

“You feeling better?” 

Kevin stretched and sighed “yeah..um thanks by the way...for everything” 

Noah waved it away, he had several questions but he wasn't sure which to ask first.

“Kev..” he started “what do you know or remember I guess? Not just about earlier I mean really since the last time I've seen you.” Noah couldn't honestly remember when that was, which made him sad but he couldn't think about that right now. 

“Well actually…,” Kevin bit his lip “I...don't remember alot. There's so much I'm missing from like the past several months dude. I don't know how we both got there or why I was bleeding everywhere i…” he stopped and looked away taking a deep breath. 

Noah felt his heart sink. Kevin didn't deserve this and it clearly was taking a toll on him. He thought of the past few years and wondered how long Kevin had been suffering as well. Had it been since Observer first started stalking him? Noah didn't want to think about his friend suffering with him for so long. Noah cleared his throat and decided to change the subject. 

“Hey look, don't think about it right now. Just...what's next I guess.”

Kevin sat correctly on the couch and grabbed his glasses from the end table to put them on. “What do you mean?” 

“Well, I mean….” He suddenly felt awkward asking “...are you going to go back home? “ Part of him hoped he would, but a bigger part of him really wished he wouldn't. 

Kevin sort of shrugged sadly. “I don't really know. I don't think it's safe for me to be there, i don't want my parents, to get hurt but I don't have anywhere else to go.” he fidgeted with the blanket “I guess I could get a motel for a few days but after that…” 

“You could stay here,” Noah suggested a little more quickly than he intended. “I mean for a little while until you feel safe enough you know..” he trailed off somewhat anxious all of the sudden.

“Really?” Kevin looked up at him seeming surprised “like i wouldn't be intruding or anything?” 

“No man of course not, you can stay here for awhile it's fine” Noah replied, feeling relieved, with the very beginning of a smile.

Kevin looked even more relieved than Noah felt. “Thank you really dude it means alot.”

He stood up and hugged Noah who's whole body tensed at his touch. Kevin let go of him when he realized and backed away. 

“Sorry sorry.” He mumbled 

“No it's fine” Noah stood up “uh well go ahead and make yourself at home” 

“Thank you again man just... really” Kevin gave him a genuine smile but Noah could see how worried and tired he was. 

“We're in it together then” he thought “at least we're not alone now” .He was still weary but this felt genuinely like Kevin and at this point Noah was grateful he was here. 

“Of course.” Noah said. “Anything for you” he added under his breath.


	2. Natural Born Killer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [You wanna talk about it?  
> I'm begging you to walk in my shoes any time  
> Watch the clock 'til you unwind  
> You wanna cry about it  
> It's making me consider that I've lost my mind  
> The way I see, you must be blind  
> So this is the world you left behind  
> This is the guilt that consumes you]
> 
> A little later on, Kevin still has many questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter update (yes I plan on Actually doing this all the way through) enjoy and please if you like it or have some, leave feedback!! I love to hear it!!!

A handful of weeks had past and Kevin found himself awake in the dead of night staring off into the darkness. Not for the first time unable to fall back asleep for fear of recurring nightmares. Images that made no sense to him, panic infecting every part of his mind, and always crying, pleading voices. Specifics always disappearing when he woke up but seeming painfully familiar when they repeated themselves the next time he slept.

He had managed to find a part time job in the past few weeks, mainly to feel like he was doing something useful. He didn't recall it but he must have stopped going to school at one point and dropped out completely soon after. The job wasn't much and he evidently didn't need the money too badly. Noah wouldn't let him pay any kind of rent. Overall, Noah had been more than kind allowing him to stay here as long as he wanted. Sure they'd been friends for a long time but he didn't have to be so generous. 

He rolled over on the couch where he'd basically been camped for the time being. He'd refused Noah's offer of letting him sleep in his bed, he was only a guest after all.

It was quiet throughout the house, a sort of uneasy quiet. He listened intently for any sort of noise and watched the darkness for any movement, but nothing was around to make a noise or move. So he tried to force himself to relax.

Kevin wasn't sure why he was so paranoid now. He never used to be. Before it had been Noah, who had always had some anxiety Issues, or Milo, who's mothers treatment of him always forced him to believe the worst about a situation, who'd been more paranoid. Kevin had always tried to help them, calm their fears if he could. Listen to their problems if he couldn't exactly help.Now however he was terrified by small noises and often convinced there were things around every corner despite there being nothing. It was frustrating for him especially because he couldn't think of a reason why. 

None of his memory had returned to him. In fact he was convinced he was losing more of it as things that at one point had seemed clear had become distorted. It scared him how little he knew about what was going on. He suspected Noah knew more than he would tell, a lot more in fact. 

Noah. He rolled back over, facing the back of the couch this time and pulling the blanket over him a little more. Something had happened to him and he wasn't the same. He was depressed clearly and didn't talk nearly as much. Everytime Kevin would touch him, just in a friendly way as they had before or even accidently, he would flinch or tense up. Kevin wished he knew why or how to help but he couldn't bring himself to confront Noah about it and he doubted Noah would tell him outright if he did. 

He was too upset to sleep now, what with a thousand worrying thoughts racing through his mind so he sat up and pushed the blanket off of himself. Full of restless energy he decided to just get up and get a drink for something to do.

He quietly slipped into the kitchen and filled a glass with water. he didn't turn on any lights knowing that would probably wake Noah up if he wasn't awake already. Kevin was pretty sure he didn't actually sleep as much as he was in his room with the lights off. He'd also accidently scared Noah by turning on the light in the middle of the night. 

That memory upset him particularly because Noah had come out of his room with a small knife as if expecting someone there who wanted to hurt him. Sure he was paranoid and perhaps he'd forgotten that Kevin had been staying there but Noah had avoided him for most of the next day. 

Kevin sighed and set the glass down carefully. He was still full of restless energy and had no outlet for it. Everything felt off and it was wearing on him the longer it went on.

He closed his eyes, leaning against the counter, and tried to clear his mind. He felt a fuzzy sort of white noise slowly slip into the corners of his mind. It was almost relaxing,worries were disappearing by the second. He realized that he wasnt able to focus on his thoughts. The more he sat there the more he could feel himself slipping, as if he were slowly falling asleep but couldn't wake himself back up. He would have panicked if he could have thought clearly enough to do so, and slowly his consciousness went black. 

“Get the fuck away from me!” 

The yelling jolted Kevin back to reality. It felt like only a second had passed and yet the scene had completely changed. He couldn't decipher what was going on. Everything was numb. 

He looked at his hands, shaking, the blade there blurry. It didn't feel like he was holding it. He didn't feel his body at all. He wasn't even sure that he was breathing. 

He looked up again. Noah's room. That's where he was. The information was all there, he just could only absorb a little at a time. Noah was there. Noah….

It finally registered to him that Noah had been the one to yell. He also had a knife, a much smaller one. Kevin had an almost comically large butcher knife while Noah was only holding a small switchblade. Still, he didn't seem intimidated by Kevin, only angry. 

“N-no-ah?” His mouth didn't want to work right. 

“Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. me.” Noah hissed back again through gritted teeth. 

“W-wai-t,” Kevin held his hands out in front of him, dropping the knife to the floor. “Pl-ple-ease i-i-i” 

“Shut up.” Noah stepped closer to him, the knife firmly held in his one hand and the other balled into a fist. For the first time in his life, Kevin found Noah terrifying. He was shaking, they both were, but Noah mainly with rage. 

“No-noah list-en,” Kevin was backing into the corner of the room.

“No fuck you, shut up and fuck you!” Noah's voice wavered the knife in his hand trembling slightly. “Fuck you, you're a fucking liar!” 

Kevin was backed all the way into the corner, Noah completely blocking his path. He held his hands to the wall behind him only able to look up and Noah in fear “No-noah p-plea-se i-i …” he realized he was whimpering helplessly. He'd never seen Noah like this.

Trapped, and terrified Kevin couldn't handle it anymore and broke down sobbing, sliding to the floor with his hands covering his eyes and blocking his view. Tears burned hot and rolled down his face through his fingers. 

Time seemed to pause. Kevin sat on the ground cowering and crying, too scared to look up. He flinched when he heard a soft click that he dared to hope was that of the knife being closed. 

“Kevin?…..” Noah's voice was soft, uncertain, and mostly hurt. Kevin dared to look up at him, though he was now crouched down on his knees. He was still holding the knife but it was closed at his side. He watched Kevin suspiciously, not moving either closer or farther away. 

Kevin was hugging his arms and shivering. He couldn't remember what had happened, he didn't even think Noah owned a butcher knife. “What's wrong with me? What did I do?” 

“Noah? What happened?” He whispered looking up at him frankly still scared. 

Noah frowned and shook his head standing. 

“Nevermind. Forget it just...go back to sleep.” He muttered running his hands through his hair. 

“Noah?” 

“Forget it!” 

Kevin flinched again but didn't say anything else. He stood up still hugging his arms and silently left the room not looking up at Noah. 

He went back to the living room and heard the door slam from behind him. He jumped and started crying again feeling awful in every way. He curled up on the couch again, crying confused and feeling even more alone than he had before.


	3. Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Throw up in the tub  
> Then I go to sleep  
> And I drank up all my money  
> Dazed and kinda lonely]
> 
> Coping isnt easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy [late] valentines day :^)

Back and forth. back and forth. Noah paced the room, restless, anxious. It was yet another time where he felt as though he were on the verge of a panic attack and there was both no discernible cause and nothing he could do about it. He was shaking and on the verge of tears, miserable. 

He didn't know how long it had been, a few days a week perhaps, since Kevin had come at him with a knife. To say they'd both been tense would be an unfortunate understatement. Noah suspected Kevin almost would prefer to leave, and partially wondered why he hadn't gone and done so. Noah didn't know if he wanted him to leave or not. 

He was kicking around various things he'd tossed to the floor over time that kept startling him as he paced the room. His mind in several different places at once. 

Not for the first time he worried if letting Kevin stay was the right decision; the paranoid part of his mind telling him that it was a fucking stupid idea to do so and that 'kevin’ was only here to trick him. He felt guilty for it but there was no way he could trust Kevin. Still, he wanted him there, perhaps because he was just so desperate for any kind of human interaction, even if it was tense or upsetting it was something. 

He paused, standing in the middle of the room and listened intently having sworn he heard a noise. Nothing. He could only hear his own ragged breathing. He suddenly realized the light was off and, almost panicked, rushed to fix it. 

“God…fuckin scared of the dark” he muttered running his hands through his hair and leaning against the doorway. He was shaking badly and trying to steady his breathing to no success. Noah had no way to really calm himself down from episodes like this. 

“Well I have one way...” he thought and shook his head. The entire time Kevin had been there, Noah had done everything in his power to make sure he didn't discover his drinking habits, severe as they were. He was ashamed of himself and didn't want Kevin to think any less of him because of it, though at this point he almost certainly did anyway. 

Figuring it was either drink or deal with a full blown breakdown he decided the former was more appealing and very quietly opened his door, sneaking down the hallway. The living room was empty as was the kitchen. Noah was silent as he reached up and pulled a mostly full bottle of whiskey out of a cupboard that he could reach a lot easier than Kevin could. 

He sighed, leaning back against the counter and taking a long drink from the bottle. It burned slightly and he might have choked if he hadn't been so used to the feeling.

Noah stayed in the kitchen not paying attention to how much he was drinking, honestly he never did. His mind felt cloudy and he wasn't even sure if he was calmer now only that he wasn't exactly thinking about anything in particular anymore. There was a vague sense of guilt and shame but it couldn't quite penetrate the tipsy haze he was sinking into. He watched the time on the oven without comprehending, it seemed to skip numbers. Three am...three forty-five….four twelve..he continued to drink and let time slip past him, meaningless.

“Uhm Noah?” The voice startled him but he was too drunk to react. 

“What's...up man..”  
Kevin stood in the entrance to the kitchen wearing a jacket and shoes as if he'd been outside. He looked concerned but hesitated.

“Havin a drink,” Noah shrugged part of him was slightly anxious again but he tried to tell himself that he could play it off.

“Yeah…” Kevin glance worried at the nearly empty bottle in Noah hand. “You ok?” 

A more sober Noah would have said 'fine’ or 'don't worry about it’ however, an emotionally unstable Noah with far too much liquor in his system decided not to lie. 

“Know what? No Im not ok,” Noah said, not slurring his words quite but clearly intoxicated nonetheless. “Fuck man, you don't even know. Years of nothing but bullshit riddles and game. Nothing but fuckers Trying to get in my head And it worked Kevin, they fuckin did it they can make me do anything they want and it doesn't matter how much I try to fight them. And you, I don't know what you being here even means what are they gonna do because you're here, what they're doing with you here, what they're gonna do to you….”

Noah paused and took a deep breath not realizing how worked up he was. In that back of his mind he realized Kevin didn't understand what he was saying at all, he most likely sounded insane.

“Maybe….you shouldn't have any more…” Kevin suggested tentatively, he seemed almost scared and Noah felt even more guilty than before. He leaned against the counter and sort of slid to the floor. 

“Gonna have to drink the rest yourself then..” he muttered, not hostile, only frustrated and upset. 

Kevin slowly approached him and sat down by his side. “I don't think so….not much of a drinker.” He said as an attempt at a joke. 

“Y'know man….” Noah looked over at him with a tired, sad smile “I'm really not ok.” 

Kevin just looked to the floor. “i wish I knew why…” he mumbled soft enough that Noah hardly has even heard it at all. 

“You really don't know anything about this huh?” 

“I don't even know what this is, I don't know what you're talking about or why you're so depressed all the time….”Kevin bit his lip and hugged his knees. 

Noah sat quietly for a moment trying to think, difficult as It was. He didn't want Kevin to know about all that had happened, about what he'd done and failed to do, about who he'd hurt and how. Yet, it seemed unfair to hide these things from Kevin. He couldn't decide what to do. He stood up, leaving the bottle on the floor and left the kitchen. He heard kevin standing and following him several feet behind, but not speaking. 

Noah walked outside, the night still pitch black with barely visible specks of starlight peppering the sky. It was warm but not uncomfortably so, and nearly silent. He took a deep shaky breath, staring off across the street. He wasn't any more sober out here but in a way it felt better being outside of his house, if only a few steps from the front door. Being out in the open seemed to aggravate his paranoia, telling him to hide, go back, and that something was behind him. He refused to look, but the anxiety was worsening. So in his last effort to be calm and remain outdoors, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a cigarette and lighter. 

He sat for a few minutes just smoking and watching the sky. He heard footsteps behind him and tensed but still didn't look on the chance it was his imagination.

“Hey…” Noah had forgotten about Kevin, he allowed himself to look back at him.

“Hey.” he didn't know what to say. Silence followed as Kevin must not have known either.

“I thought you'd quit.” Kevin mumbled after some time, looking at the ground. Noah felt a deep sense of guilt and shame hit him. He had quit, at one time, because he'd been able to deal with life without smoking. Shit he had quit drinking for a time too, even for fun. He couldn't now, or he didn't think he could, it was about all that was keeping him together at this point.

It was silent as they sat there. Noah didn't leave, even after the third cigarette after which he was almost sick. Light crept over the horizon painting the sky brilliant colors. It wasn't anything Noah could appreciate, except that he was outside to see it. They were quiet for some time longer until Kevin spoke up. 

“Maybe...you should try and rest some..”  
Noah was honestly exhausted, and as much as he wanted to protest, he knew Kevin was right. He sighed heavily and turned to walk back inside. 

“Yeah….maybe I'll try.”


	4. Dope Hat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [I Peek Into The Hole, I Struggle For Control]
> 
> Kevin's turn to hide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Google doc is so long bc I've been writing everything but the next chapter ;-; I'll try to be better

If he woke up one more damn time somewhere besides Noah's couch he was probably going to have a breakdown. At least more of one then he was already having. The grass felt slimy and the earth soft and Kevin shivered water dripping off him as though he'd taken a shower. It was pitch dark, no lights from any houses or street lamps, and yet he was somehow sure he was in Noah's yard. Though he had no clue how he would have gotten there or why he would think so. 

He stood unsteady, his head aching, and attempted to look around. He realized at that point he didn't have his glasses and he wasn't seeing anything anytime soon. Blindly walking forward into the darkness with his hands outstretched as he tried to find any landmark, Kevin tried to remember anything at all. Although at this point he somewhat expected not to recall anything. 

Several minutes of wandering in the nearly tangible darkness passed, until he ran into a wall of some sort and hit his head. His headache immediately more intense and he stood there rubbing his temples for a moment. 

The air felt heavy and threatening very suddenly, and Kevin felt very misplaced. It was no longer pitch black when he opened his eyes but instead a red blur all around him, still without his glasses he couldn't really make many things out but he was sure there were trees at his left and right and he was on some sort of path. A dull ominous humming filled the space mixed with, though he didn't want to consider it, far away screaming just loud enough to be recognized. 

He stumbled back slightly around his breath ragged, terrified. There was this inescapable feeling of knowing this place and yet he couldn't, he'd never seen anything like it. He nearly turned and ran but had no way of deciding which way to go, both in front of him and the back of him seeming identical. There was a stench in the air he couldn't identify though it was awful and making his head throb. Eventually he chose a direction and slowly walked down it so as not to trip. He dreaded every step forward and kept whipping around believing he was being followed. All the while the screaming in the distance and the nerve wracking, song like humming grew louder. 

His heart jumped into his throat when heard a sudden high pitched shriek different from the other screaming. He was in the verge of just laying down and covering his ears hoping everything would just stop but he managed, barely, to stay standing. 

He picked up the pace faster and faster til he came to the end of the wooden path. He was on some kind of dock area overlooking a large body of water, possibly a lake. The high pitched shrieking started up again and he did cover his ears. It was horrific as though someone was experiencing great physical agony and it sounded from all around him as though the person was screaming on the ground in front of him, yet there was no one. 

A black humanoid figure was at the end of the dock and Kevin could have sworn it must have appeared as he blinked. About as tall as an average person and darker than night the only distinguishing part of it was that it has two separate legs, like the shadow of someone entering a dark room from a light one except the dock was well lit with the he red haze all around. It seemed to have its back to him but he couldn't tell with no real features. 

The figure slowly reached out an arm, extending it to its full length on its right side and dropped a small object on the ground, dangerously close to falling off the dock and into the water. Withdrawing its arm, the figure began walking off the edge of the dock and just as it seemed like it was to fall in, it vanished just as inexplicably as it appeared. 

Kevin had no doubt that whatever had been dropped had been for him, yet he wanted nothing to do with it. Somehow he felt as though he had no choice and almost automatically he approached the edge of the dock.

Bending over to pick it up he looked down Into the water, tinted red but not actually red itself, and stopped seeing something large move. He stared trying to make it out as it seemed like just a dark mass, but the waters natural movement and his own sub par vision making it difficult. Suddenly the water became completely still like a glass surface, he noticed the tortured screaming stop and everything was silent as though it was caught in a vacuum. He couldn't even hear himself breathe. 

The large dark mass rose from the lake having no effect on the physics of the water as it stayed completely still. It grew and grew, massive in length. Body darker than the figure from before. A void of black. It had a head. A person's head. However either it had absolutely no face at all, or it had every face to ever be seen. It stopped rising from the water, towering impossibly larger than Kevin. The vacuum silence became a deafening ringing that was both painfully loud and not even a real sound at all. Arms appeared snaking their war from the sides of the being, moving in ways that looked as though, if it had joints, they would have been popping and breaking. Several arms from each side of its body with white hands that looked clawed but grotesquely as though the sharp ends were made of bone. It reached forward like the air it was passing through was thicker than gelatin. 

Kevin couldn't move, think, feel anything other than sheer terror. His mind screamed at him to react but he couldn't comprehend what he was even looking at. The only certainty being that he was going to die. 

Suddenly, he was on his back. The floor under him was wood but the fake wood homes are built with. He was home, Noah's home. It took him several minutes to collect himself, the ringing still echoing in his head. Blood seemed to pour out of his nose and ears and he felt it in the back of his throat. 

He pulled himself up by a chair and leaned against it taking time to remember how to breathe. He wiped blood off of his face and neck with his shirt not caring too much that it would stain. 

There was a lit candle sitting in the middle of the table in the dining room, Kevin supposed Noah had lit it though he didn't know where he was. He felt a weight suddenly in his pocket, or perhaps it had already been there and he hadn't noticed, there was a lot he hadn't noticed such as the sound of pouring rain from outside. 

Crumpled up in his hand was the object from the dock which turned out to be piece of paper. unfolding it revealed a very short note that, through squinting very hard, not the best for his headache, he was fairly sure said “Use your tool quickly and wisely ” in German. He didn't like the phrasing of that and grew more anxious reading it. 

He pulled the object out of his pocket, well aware of what it was and yet dreading that he was right. The pistol was as black as the night outside and seemed infinitely dense as if Kevin could feel the weight of what it was capable of. Kevin had never touched a gun in his life, he hated them, and he wanted nothing to do with them. He felt wrong just holding it and partially wished he could just throw it as far as possible.

He jumped at a slight noise from behind him and shoved the gun and the note back into his pocket. Noah stood in the hallway the candlelight gently illuminating his tear-stained face. “Oh, hey Noah.” 

“Where've you been?” Noah asked, looking upset “I was worried..” He said the last words in only a whisper but Kevin still heard him and felt both bad for worrying Noah but almost touched that he was. 

“How long was I not here?”

“Well….I don't know when you left but, i saw you were gone maybe three hours ago.” Noah said twisting his ring around his finger nervously. “I mean obviously you can leave whenever but I kinda just hoped you'd...say something I guess.” 

“I hadn't planned on leaving or I probably would have, honestly man I'm….not sure where I was.” Kevin admitted. He felt as though it would be better to be honest with Noah. At least as much as he was able to be. “It was dark and I tried to get back here and then...everything was red, there was a lot of screaming and….I don't knew it was just horrible and...I don't think I imagined it..” He was sure he hadn't. The gun in his pocket, unfortunately, providing proof that at least something had happened. He decided against telling Noah about the gun and the message, he'd just worry him more. Maybe he could get rid of it sometime soon and it'd be alright. He couldn't bring himself to describe the figure he saw either, just the thought making him want to vomit. 

He couldn't read the expression on Noah's face very clearly, but he seemed troubled.

“Fuck.” He muttered. Kevin wanted to ask him questions but somehow felt like he wouldn't be able to handle the answers. Besides that he was starting to feel nauseous and was gripping the the chair trying to hope it would support him. Noah must have noticed.

“Hey uh why don't you sit down you look..sick.” he came closer and held Kevin's arm guiding him to the chair. Kevin somewhat saw Noahs face look more concerned when he got closer to the candlelight.

“shit there's...blood all over you..” 

“Hey don't..lm fine ...don't worry about it…” Kevin used his sleeve to wipe away more blood on his face. “

“Why don't you lay down,...on the bed though.” Noah said gently putting his hand on Kevin's shoulder. Kevin suddenly felt that same sense of deja vu but this time with an unexplainable jolt of anger that overwhelmed him for several moments leaving him shaking. 

“Kev?” Noah moved his hand back. “Are you good man? What's wrong?” 

Kevin took several deep breaths to recover before answering. “I'm ..ok uh….maybe I will lay down...the couch is fine though.”

“Yeah no. Can you stand?” Noah offered him his hand again and Kevin hesitated unsure of if he should. He tenitivly touched their fingers and upon nothing bad happening, grasped Noahs hand, growing dizzy when he was stood up. He didn't fall, though Noah kept hold of him and lead him to his bedroom in the still pitch black house. 

Kevin didn't try to protest aside from mentioning that he was still covered in blood. To which Noah replied “I probably needed to wash this shit anyway, lay down.” 

Laying down admittedly felt a lot better, especially Noah covering him in blankets as he'd somehow not noticed how cold he was until he did. 

“good? Alright uh..let me know if you need anything I'll be on the couch..uhm...goodnight” Noah stuttered slightly, Kevin smiled to himself despite everything. 

“Good night Noah.” He murmured, hearing Noahs footsteps softly leave the room. He rolled over on his side and tried to ignore the overall feeling of being watched that seemed prominent now that he was alone. He still felt the gun in his pocket.


	5. Terrible Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Am I not living up to what I'm supposed to be?  
> Why am I seething with this animosity?  
> I think you owe me a great big apology]
> 
> Kevin does a little digging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally more of this. leave comments if you like i appreciate them so much

Noah had always been a godawful liar. Something about how he'd drop the subject so quickly or the panicked look he always got or even just the actual lies themselves were never convincing and to kevin, having known him for so long, it was almost always painfully obvious when noah wasn’t being truthful about something.

He was very obviously not ok when he would claim to be fine.

With flashes of almost memories stringed along in kevins mind coming up over and over again, he realized he'd have to find clues on his own. Noah refused to be anything but frustrating and he needed answers.

The problem was he had no idea where to look. 

He went around digging through noah's things gently. He wasn't trying to be nosey and didn't read anything that didn't seem relevant. Still he felt guilty. He wasn't finding much, and when he heard noah coming back he gave it up. 

When he did see anything suspicious he tried to bring it up casually, though noah never let anything come of it and shut him down. 

For instance, There really was no discernible reason Noah would have kept a business card for something about “health on a budget” and definitely no reason for him to get defensive when asked. It felt suspicious but Kevin wasn't sure if he should investigate it or not. 

He took the card and when he had some time he went off to his old house, under the guise of getting some things from there while his mother happend to be out. It hurt to not see her but he felt it was for the best. When he found the few things he wanted he figured he might as well investigate while he was alone. 

He sent off an email very brief just saying his name and asking if they could answer a few questions he had. It was a long shot but he might as well. Just a few emails back and forth couldn't hurt, that's even thinking that they would respond at all. In the meanwhile he just googled it to see if there was a website, not entirely sure why he felt like he needed to know, only that he did. A YouTube channel was the first thing that appeared. He glanced through it briefly, finding a lot of concerning things in just thumbnails , he wasn't exactly brave enough to watch these videos and was interrupted anyway by a response from the everyman people. 

The other person introduced himself as Vinny and said he probably could answer some questions (his exact words being “i will if this isn't a prank”). Kevin took a deep breath and thought for several minutes trying to word what he wanted to say. Eventually he decided it was best to be straightforward. 

Do you by chance know a noah maxwell?

Yes. i've only met him in person once but we've talked online. I haven't heard from him in  
awhile though. Why?

Noah is a good friend of mine, im living with him right now actually, but im very  
Concerned about him. He's not acting quite right and he's not telling me anything.  
That coupled with my own experiences, is worrying me greatly and i wondered  
If there was anything you could help me understand. He kept a business card of yours  
on his desk

What kind of experiences? I feel like i can probably help you but if you're comfortable  
explaining it would probably help me know what i'm dealing with and how much i should  
tell You.

Kevin sighed rereading the last email from vinny over and over trying to think. From what he'd seen this guy would probably take him seriously but on the other hand he didn't think he should have to tell him personal stories just to get the full truth. This whole thing was a lot of secrets and he was starting to get fed up with it.

He paced around the room for a few minutes more. Of course from vinny's perspective it probably was suspicious having some random person who claimed to know someone he'd met once out of the blue asking for information. As far as kevin knew it could be dangerous for him to talk about it. Figuring he could at least take the chance, kevin sat down again and began slowly typing up an account of his experiences thus far. It took him awhile as he had to remember each instance, and the memories kept nearly sending him into a panic. When he finally reread it for the final time and sent it, he was nearly in tears.

It took two agonizing hours for vinny to finally respond.

Jesus...i'm sorry it took so long i could hardly wrap my head around it. That's awful.  
So he really hasn't told you anything?

No. I honestly don't know what to think. Granted i haven't told him anything much  
Myself But he just won't let me.

Well I'd hate to go behind his back but I think you'd have a right to know. I don't think i can properly explain it myself though, he should really do it. I really fucking hate to be the one to show you this but here. If he asks tell him im so sorry.

Attached was a link to another youtube channel, this one entitled “tribetwelve” which for whatever reason sounds vaguely familiar. He couldnt put his finger on it. Looking at the channel he felt a sickening sense of familiarity just glancing at the thumbnails. He went to the very first video but hesitated on clicking it, what if he didn't actually want to know, what if he was poking his nose in things he didn't need to, what if it would make everything worse. Yet, he couldn't stand not to know. 

The first video, a memoir to milo. There wasn't anything particularly upsetting, except that noah evidently hadn’t spoken to milo in years. Of course, kevin and milo had grown sort of distant as well, it hurt really to think about. 

He let the videos play in succession, as it went on he started to feel sick. Every little jab at noah stung. seeing him so upset or scared , though for the camera he pretended to be more angry, was heartbreaking. The more of these he watched the worse off he felt. This fucked up puzzle was so much and noah had been mostly alone. And even the people he did have ended up not being there for long as noah seemed to make mistakes or push them away. 

Not to mention, who ever the observer was.

During one if the videos he had gotten the feeling of deja vu back, but much stronger than before, and this time it was like a revelation was behind a closed door. He tried to ignore it, being so invested though horrified by what he was learning. Everytime he saw the observer the faint buzzing he had from the creature in the lake, evidently called the administrator according to his puppets, started in the back of his mind. In some parts he could almost feel the memory of what was happening on screen as if he'd been there. The longer he watched the more he was almost convinced he had been. He told himself he couldn't have, that he wouldn't have done this to noah and possibly to milo and yet something in the back of his mind told him he had. 

He kept pausing the videos after a certain point, they kept making him cry. His suspicions of noah drinking too much had been all but confirmed. he didn't smoke or hurt himself onscreen but kevin wondered if he just hadn't wanted it on camera. 

And milo….

His heart had sunk at “milos tape” he didn't want to see this, having an idea on what kind of thing might be on it. In several ways he was right, he might have missed parts of it as he was crying. Seeing milo again, seeing him in so much pain, seeing him break down after murdering his mother, the last remaining bits of milo, and it was of him suffering. 

And then there was the fact that a lot of this suffering had been kevins fault.

Noah had said it straight up that it had been kevin doing these things. At least that he suspected it was, and when kevin saw the figure he couldn't deny that it looked like him. 

When he was finally finished he realized it was dark outside, he had no idea how long he'd been sitting here but he was too shaken to sleep now. his head was reeling from everything he'd just seen and all the feelings it created. Mostly however, he was angry. Angry at noah for not telling him this himself for not even trying to ease him into it. He'd been content to leave him in the dark about everything when milo had been his best friend, when it seemed that he was being used by a demon to do awful things. If he'd been that afraid he wouldn't have taken him into his home like he had. If he couldn't trust noah he couldn't trust anyone. If it hadn't been nearly three thirty in the morning he might have gone to noah's house and confronted him. He only didn't because he didn't want to be held at knife point again. Though this just left him pacing around thinking of everything he wanted to say to him.

He figured he should probably respond quickly to vinny.

Thank you vinny, you helped. I'm sorry still, to know now what i know. I suppose i had  
Better talk to noah. Be safe, i wish you the best man.

When morning came he took his laptop and headed back out to noah's place, the groggy sickness of pulling an all nighter already present and he found it harder to drive. When he got there however, he found noah actually asleep in his bed, and he wasn't tossing and turning like he normally was. Despite how pissed he was he couldn't bring himself to wake him it just didn't seem fair. 

So he waited in the living room, unfortunately this didn't go as planned. he was upset and so tired that when he lay down for something to do other than wander around agitated, he actually managed to pass out, despite the persistent nightmares. When he woke up again it was evening and noah seemed to be shuffling around quietly in the next room and kevin went to his bedroom and gently pushed open the door. 

“Noah.” he kept his voice steady though noah still flinched visibly.

“Hey..what's up..” he still sounded so tired and timid.

“We have to talk” 

“About...about what “ noah tugged on the chains around his throat looking worried.

“A Lot of things man,” he took a deep breath remembering that the point wasn't to get back at noah or even yell at him just to talk “look you haven't been honest with me at all and there's...so much that you never said anything about and i've been here for at least a month. It sucks and...i'm disappointed i didn't hear it from you.” 

“What do you mean….what are you talking about.” kevin almost got annoyed til he realized noah wasn't stalling, he didn't know what kevin was saying. 

“Youtube channel man, it's all there.”

“Oh...oh shit.” noah muttered he seemed scared and as though he wanted some kind of out for this and there wasn't one. “How did you….find out..”

“That's not important, but it's not exactly hidden.”

“But what do you even know like..”

“Everything.” 

“I…” noah had a wide eyed expression, he seemed to realize everything kevin must know now.

“Why wouldn't you tell me..” kevin couldn't sound mad, only upset.

“Well...you saw that shit how was i supposed to trust you.” noah tried to retaliate, and while kevin knew him well enough to know he was just grasping at straws, it was still hurtful and hardly the point. 

“That's not really an excuse.” 

“You came at me with a fucking knife, i'm crazy for even letting you stay here after that.” noah said working himself up to be mad at kevin.

“Oh real nice. Ask me if i even remember that or did that myself. Because i sure don't and i sure as hell didn't.” kevin replied icily his arms crossed.

“How the fuck am i supposed to know that?” noah shrugged “you don't talk to me either.”

“Maybe that's the problem” he took another deep breath “Look man i….we can't keep pretending everything's ok like...i don't know i hate being lied to.” kevin said frustrated.

“I'm not fucking lying to you,” noah snipped back hostile, and not exactly trying to do anything but fight.

“Coulda fooled me man. Not telling me important things like that things that affect me too, is kinda lying and it doesn't matter anyway, i want it to stop or i'm just going to be done man.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Tell me yourself what all this is about, i shouldn't have to email some random guy to find all this out.” kevin was trying to stay calm but noah stubbornness was grating when he was already upset with him.

“You what?’ noah was visibly pissed and kevin almost regretted saying it, but decided he wasn't in the wrong.

“I had to do something man, you're no help.”

“oh so i'm useless to you, i see.”

“Didn't say that” Kevin rubbed his temples, this wasn't getting him anywhere and he was just getting angry “yknow what whatever man, when you calm down and want to apologize and explain this then we can talk i'm not in the mood to fight you” 

“Fine..” was the response though it sounded more sad than angry, as though he was nearly in tears.

He turned and left noah's room, still very upset. He couldn't sleep so he took to crying into his pillow on the couch that night frustrated, alone, and more than a little scared. Thoroughly overwhelmed with everything and now with the knowledge that he was a monster.


	6. Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [It's a sad, sad situation  
> And it's getting more and more absurd  
> It's sad, so sad  
> Why can't we talk it over  
> Oh it seems to me  
> That sorry seems to be the hardest word]
> 
> noah feels guilty and kevin still feels betrayed, but maybe they can compromise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: heavy alcohol abuse, suicidal ideation, refrences to self harm and some uhhh blood?body horror  
> i know there's tags but i wanna make sure no one is hurt by surprise bc some chapters are obviously ..heavier than others so there you go.
> 
> anyway im posting back to back chapters and taking a teeny break from this fic to work on another one [definitely not bc i dont have anything written for chapter 8 no not at all]

Noah figured he'd either kill himself on purpose or end up doing it anyway by drinking. He hated himself for keeping things from kevin, he realized kevin would always have found out. Despite him being mad that vinny had told him. He tried to be better and not take it out on vinny, and avoided saying anything to him which was easy enough.

He avoided kevin too, sticking to his room well aware that their falling out was his fault and his alone. He hated himself for arguing and not just apologizing, for not actually explaining himself. Not that it would have done any good, there was no excuse. He hated himself more for not sucking it up now and apologising, but really he just didn't want to face it. 

It led him down a dark path one he'd traveled before, one he was ashamed of. Really what other option was there? The alcohol wasn't working no matter that he was getting as drunk as he could every night. Til he blacked out or threw up or both. He was almost surprised kevin hadn't caught onto it, unless of course he had and just hated noah enough not to care anymore. Noah wouldn't blame him for that. Now here he was trying to mix enough chemicals to put him into stupor and let him forget all his problems.

He wasn't eating, he never ate much before but now he was only putting enough food in his system every few days so he wouldn't pass out. Half the time he couldn't keep it down either. Perhaps if he were more coherent to that sort of thing he'd have realized he'd lost quite a bit of weight and he wasn't very big to begin with, things he only would realize later when the damage had gotten real bad. 

He was having worse nightmares. More centered on death, kevins, his parents , his own, milo. 

He was at the boardwalk, looking out into an endless black tunnel of trees, ringing, screaming in his ears and a presence behind him that he tried to refuse to look at. He walked forward into the tunnel but everything looped back around so he was in the same spot as before. When he tried again the same thing happened and a laughing voice mocked him. He kept trying desperate not to look behind him until he was exhausted somehow in something he thought he knew was a nightmare. What if it wasn't. What if this was all actually happening. The uncertainty broke his resolve and in a panic of trying to escape he looked behind him to face the presence. 

It was milo. He was standing menacingly despite him being the same height as noah he seemed to tower over him. He wasn't talking. Noah tried to talk to him, and tried to hug him, but milo just shoved him to the ground, disgust evident on his face. Someone was speaking, a disembodied voice in the air, taunting him, blaming him. Over and over telling him he was to blame. His fault milo died.

The more the taunting continued the more disfigured ‘milo’ became. The self inflicted scars deepend until they showed bone. His throat was slashed and bleeding profusely. His eyes suddenly had scars over them and were filled with blood. He was crying, despite this. 

The taunting continued and the mutilated, animate corpse of noah's beloved cousin reached forward and grabbed him by his throat, strangling him with nothing but hatred in what was left of his expression. 

Noah jolted awake with the taunting still ringing in his ears, tears streaming down his face, and an unheard cry of something like anguish dying in his throat. 

He sat there crying and whimpering and rocking back and forth like a frightened child for a remarkable amount of time. The more details he recalled the worse he wished he was dead.

He had about two ways at the moment to deal with dreams like that, and alcohol was the only one that might put him to sleep if he tried hard enough. He could hardly think clearly from exhaustion. He snuck away out of his bedroom having mastered the skill of walking around his own home silently. While he wasn't even sure if Kevin was still here at all, he wasn't taking any chances. 

He found Kevin in the kitchen and stopped cold, not willing exactly to drink right in front of him, well aware Kevin knew he had a problem and having no desire to have a discussion about it, but still wanting any kind of relief. He didn't want to talk to Kevin about everything or anything, scared to make everything worse. He very slowly tried to back away figuring he'd do the other thing he had to cope just as long as Kevin didn't see him. 

Unfortunately for him, Kevin turned and spotted him just as he was about to sink back into the hallway where he couldn't be seen. 

“Noah...there you are.” There was something like relief on Kevin's face. His eyes looked bloodshot and red liked he hasn't slept and had been crying instead. Noah felt a sting of guilt seeing how disheveled he was and wondering if it was his fault. 

“Hey.” Noah faught every instinct telling him to leave, standing his ground against himself deciding he wasn't going to run away like a coward anymore. 

“Listen...we should..talk.” Kevin murmured, and Noah could see in his expression he was nervous, which made him feel worse but strengthened his resolve to stay put and face it. 

“You're right.” Noah took a deep breath,able to think a lot clearer about what had happened as he wasn't angry or upset about it anymore. “Look I'm sorry. You were right, I should have told you myself. I shouldn't have gotten so mad and been an ass.” 

Kevin though for a moment. “I'm sorry too..I probably shouldn't have tied to talk about it while I was so angry.” 

“Well you had every right to be mad man..I wouldn't blame you if you don't forgive me I just..” Noah sighed “I just want you to know I'm sorry.” 

“I don't think I can forgive you just yet but listen, I don't wanna stay mad at you, I wanna fix this so I can forgive you.” kevin said gently.

“How. It's not like I don't want that I just don't know how I could fix it.” 

Kevin thought for a moment and Noah took to anxiously chewing his fingers, a bad habit that usually left them scabbed and bleeding. 

“Well our biggest problem is we weren't being honest with each other...there's alot of ...secrets i guess and it makes it so we can't trust each other. And i don't want that i'm sure you don't either.” kevin said starting to pace around like he did while thinking. Noah watched hi thinking about what he'd said.

“So...i guess you're saying,” noah mumbled after a moment “ is you just...want to be more...clear about things? Honest? “ 

“Exactly, no secrets N stuff like that, i just wanna be upfront with things.” kevin nodded.

“Do you really think that'll help?” noah was hopeful but tentative. 

“Look noah i don't want us to be against each other... were all we have. I want us to have each other.” kevin reached out his hand very lightly touching the top of noah's “ we have enough enemies as it is…”

“You're right. I promise, i'll be honest with you.” noah said softly, while nodding and trying to stop being tense from the brief contact.

“Good…” kevin smiled lightly though he pulled his back seeming concerned that he was so uncomfortable. 

“So...you promise too right?” noah asked tentatively

“Of course,from now on i'll...we’ll be more honest with each other. Were in this together.”

Despite kevins reassuring look and noah's hope that this would help, noah couldn't help the feeling of guilt and dread. Thats he'd gotten kevin into something he wasn't going to be able to get out of. That he'd doomed yet another person he loved.


	7. Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [What have I become, My sweetest friend  
> Everyone I know, Goes away in the end  
> And you could have it all, My empire of dirt  
> I will let you down  
> I will make you hurt  
> I wear this crown of thorns, Upon my liars chair  
> Full of broken thoughts,I cannot repair  
> Beneath the stains of time,The feelings disappear  
> You are someone else, I am still right here]
> 
> there's worse addictions lurking behind closed doors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive TW for:graphic self harm, refrences to alcohol abuse, refrences to drug abuse, suicidal ideation ect
> 
> really,,,heavy chapter if you're sensitive to any of those things then i suggest to not read or at least be cautious but if you do read feedback is appreciated
> 
> (also its the johnny cash version of hurt btw... its just so much more emotional.)

Kevin froze, and Noah stared at him from his position on the floor in the corner of the room. A box cutter in his white knuckled fist, blood dripping from his left arm. Silence. They could hear each others ragged breathing and nothing else.

“Noah..” Kevin broke the silence finally. Noah seemed to jolt to life and get to his feet hastily looking at his wrist as if suddenly aware he was bleeding. He went to leave the room but Kevin blocked his path instinctively. 

“Give it to me.” He said quietly yet firmly. He wasn't entirely sure how to process this but he wasn't letting Noah hide again with the box cutter. Noah hesitated, he was shaking but Kevin refused to move. Finally he, reluctantly, handed it over, Kevin took it without looking at it and got out of his way. 

“Let's clean it up,” Kevin told him surprising himself with how calm he sounded. 

“No…. I'll do it.”

“Noah…”

“It's fine I'll do it…just clean it up....nothing else…” 

“Promise ?”

Noah nodded, his expression unreadable and Kevin sighed and Gestured to the hallway. Noah went to the bathroom and kept the door slightly ajar. Not enough to see anything inside but enough to easily push open. He was there for several minutes, Kevin waiting outside the door leaning against the wall and listening to the sound of water running. He held the box cutter in his hand, afraid to look at it still, he was repulsed by it but felt that he had a duty to keep ahold of it now. Kevin had so many thoughts, questions, feelings building up and swirling inside his mind, building off one another in a horribly upsetting way, yet he couldn't cry. He supposed he was in shock or just trying to process it and he hated how he wasn't reacting. He also felt that nagging sense of deja vu that had no business rearing its confusing head, especially in such a serious situation. He tried to brush it off but it was about the only feeling he could put a name on.

Noah left the bathroom slowly, his sleeves rolled down and his arms crossed against his chest as if he was cold. He didn't make eye contact with Kevin, in fact he didn't even look at him, he just turned away to the living room.

“Noah.” Kevin called after him, his voice sounding far too loud in the emptiness of the house. 

“Don't.” Noah's voice was soft and cracked a little when he spoke.

“Noah, We have to talk-” 

“No we fucking don't” Noah snapped, and while Kevin jumped he held his ground.

“Actually I think we do.” Kevin said “look I want to trust you and I want you to trust me we agreed on that so you have trust me enough to tell me. I won't be mad but you can't just shut me out all the time man…” 

“What do you want me to say…” Noah mumbled seeming to shiver.

“Let's just… Be open. Just talk about what's...going on.” Kevin said softly.

“Open?”

“Just...don't be afraid to tell me or show me things. Alright?” 

Noah sat down heavily on the couch 

“Fine...alright I ….here“ Noah swallowed and, trembling, rolled back the sleeves of his shirt and clearly showed kevin his forearm. Thin, light cuts were visible aside from the fresh ones and there was the immediate reaction of repulsion and deep sadness the longer he looked. What in god's name was he supposed to say? Noah didn't want pitied, and Kevin didn't want him to feel guilty. He himself felt guilty for his own feelings on it. 

“It's...it's not so bad..” he tried to be kind though he felt his voice die in his throat.

Kevin tried to tell himself that It wasn't like the scars were visible most of the time. At least on Noah's arms, as he looked at them most seemed to be few and faded. Noah wore longer sleeves a lot too. He really just didn't want to feel guilty for not noticing, for not seeing, like he hadn't with milo. 

“They're mostly gone..,” Noah murmured “didn't want them to show up on camera. No one needed to know.” 

“Are….I mean….it's getting better then right? Besides tonight if that's all that's left? The others don't look so bad..” Kevin asked realized he sounded desperate for it to be the case. The look that crossed Noah's face terrified him, he dreaded the next thing Noah would tell him as he hung his head, clearly ashamed.

“It's fine kev don't worry about it.” 

“No, you said you'd be honest.” Kevin responded, quickly and firmly “you said you'd talk to me, we're not gonna fix anything if you don't. “

“Ok..ok….I guess… No. It's not...i guess if anything it's getting worse.”

“Do you have any idea why?” 

“yeah ..a pretty good idea..” noah said bitterly. “ it's my own damn fault...it's guilt…”

“Guilt?”

“About everything.” was all noah responded with, not looking at kevin again. Kevin let the silence sit in the air for a few moments before trying to talk again. 

“Why did you hide it for so long. Were friends i..” Kevin mumbled “all I wanna do is help you ..”

“I...fuck man..” Noah bit his lip seemingly bracing himself, “it's not you it's everyone, I didn't want people to know. I didn't want anyone to know that I'm so pathetic. I….it's far worse elsewhere. I figured, I guess if no one saw it, it'd be ok. They wouldn't worry, and I don't know I wouldn't exactly die if I fucked it up right? It felt..safer I guess…” 

“Safer?”

“If no one Can see it, no one will know about it. I only even did it on my arms when my legs were too fucking bloody and cut up to…” Noah's voice cracked slightly and he stopped looking down again. “They itch and burn too much there now but I just…..didn't know what else to do...you see the scars and th-theyll start to fade and I..I just panicked or...everything hits at once and it's so much and I can't...do anything but make myself feel something at all.“ 

“noah..”

“They knew.” The expression Noah had was terrible. Some mixture of him crying and smiling hopelessly “you fucking bet they knew they watched. Fuck I know they did since he came and….” He shook his head quickly “ I mean They fucking sent me letters and shit mocking me, and I fucking burned them. They called me a coward and fuck maybe I am but I wasn't..,going to just admit to it.” He started crying harder, his hands were clenched into fists on his lap “shit I...I'm fucking pathetic, and this just proves it I….didn't want people to know…” 

Kevin was quiet for a moment watching him cry, feeling numb and trying to think of anything he could say to help. Perhaps he was overstepping his boundaries but it was all he had.

“Milo wasn't pathetic for it was he?” 

“Don't Fucking talk to me about milo.” Noah snapped and Kevin flinched away from him guilt seeping into his conscious. He scolded himself. Why would he think bringing up milo would help? It was silent for several minutes, Kevin was sure Noah was crying but he had his face hidden in his hands. 

“I'm not milo…..I can't even handle this….”

“I'm...I'm sorry,” Kevin felt Terrible. Everything he was saying seemed to only make things worse. 

“He'd hate me” Noah said hopelessly. “Milo he...he'd be so fucking ashamed of me...I'm a failure and fuckin addict and fuckin this……”

“Noah no don't think like that-”

“You know I promised him, when we were younger,” Noah looked at him, his whole face filled with regret. “He told me not to, he told me never to start, don't ever pick up a knife or a razor and don't ever start….I told him I wouldn't...I promised him….I let him down again…..I couldn't even keep one fucking promise”

“Noah he wouldn't hate you, if anything he'd understand, he'd help. He loved you. He'd be sad but he wouldn't hate you. He couldn't ever hate you…” 

“Maybe he did. Maybe he'd have loved me when I wasn't a fucking alcoholic, or when I didn't fucking cut myself or when I didn't try and swallow a bottle of pills hoping I'd at least pass out and drown in my own fucking vomit, cus none of that shit sounds very lovable.” 

“He wouldn't hate you for struggling…”

“I let myself turn into this,” Noah rolled down his sleeves again. “I'm weak and my issues are my own goddamn fault.”

“That's not how it works…” Kevin wiped tears out of his eyes. “You're not weak I mean...you're still here right?”

“Not for long…” Noah muttered. Kevin sat silently, unexpected grief hitting him like a wave. 

“I'm sorry...kev i'm...i really never wanted you to have to see this, to see me.”noah stood up and walked outside and kevin could see through the glass he was simply standing there, head bowed and shoulders shaking, indicating that he was crying. Kevin just sat and by god did he feel awful. Noah felt a million miles away, and there was nothing he could do.


	8. Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Take some more pills, try to crack a smile  
> Thinking back to weekends that felt good  
> Yeah, it's been a while  
> But I try to scrape through and keep my head above the clouds  
> 'Cause I know myself and I know this isn't who I am, yeah  
> Walked into the bathroom just so I could cry  
> Wish I knew why, wish I knew why  
> Oh, baby, why don't you find someone easy?  
> Baby, why don't you find someone easy?  
> I know you're reaching out but I push you away  
> Maybe 'cause I'm vain, maybe 'cause I'm vain  
> Oh, baby, why don't you find someone easy?]
> 
> threats and unity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw; refrences to self harm, 
> 
> its haloween season whoop and the scariest chapter is real soon

There was underlying way that neither of them really discussed noah's habit. After the initial confrontation the subject had been put so far on the back burner, it was on fire. And both of them were ignoring the alarms. It wasn't something either of them wanted to discuss, but not talking about it really seemed to be counter productive. neither of them really could figure out how to approach it.

That and there were other things more immediately pressing on them.

“shit ...god dammit..” noah muttered and kevin looked up at him, standing at the table trying to look through some books as a distraction. He was holding a small cardboard box tied together with black rope.

“What’s that?” 

“More fucking clues or hints no doubt..” noah muttered, untying the rope, looking inside and then tossing it on the table. 

“This sucks.” kevin muttered

“I don't know what the fuck this even is or means” noah shook the box around with one hand rubbing his temple with the other. Kevin took it and opened it, the feeling of dread immediately washing over him. 

Two bullet shells. two shells and a note. Kevin wasn't sure but they looked like shotgun shells. They couldn't possibly be from the gun he'd found, but the message was clear, to kevin at least. 

He hadn't gotten rid of it. He'd wanted to, he'd had opportunities to but he didn't and he felt awful. He knew he was in danger as long as he had it and he knew he didn't need it to protect himself yet he couldn't get rid of it. It was as if he wasn't allowed to, though he didn't know what was stopping him. 

He picked up one of the shells and looked it over, not wanting to face the note; he saw noah looking nervously over at it from the corner of his eye. Even if noah didn't have all of the context, it must have still been threatening to be sent bullet shells. 

He hasn't told noah either. Despite his claims of saying they were going to be more honest with one another kevin still hadn't told him or gotten rid of the object. 

“God this...this is bad..” 

“No shit man..course i guess i should be used to getting threatened in my own fuckin house but….i don't know.”

Kevin swayed even when he put it back down, his mind fuzzy, his breathing slowed an nearly stopped and he could almost feel himself begin to fall over, but from the outside, far away. 

“Kevin?” noah's arms were around him catching him and picking him back up to a standing position, “ hey hey are you ok? “ 

“Uhm…” was the only sound he could even try and make.

“Why don't we put this away for awhile, i dont think...its good for you..”noah closed it and shoved it to the side. Kevin nodded, his legs seemed to give out under him, though he didn't collapse. Noah's adjusted his arms to hold him more comfortably.

“Hey whats wrong?”

“Can't...think…” kevin mumbled. “Not...can't...stand”

“Do you want...help?” noah asked.

“Hm...yeah..”

“Here, sit down,” noah pulled the chair close and set kevin down in it.

“Can you see?” he asked sitting down in the chair next to kevin. Kevin nodded and despite the skewed vision and dizziness, he could see noah's worry.

“What..uhm..what are you feeling?” noah didn't seem as though he was quite sure how to help and if kevin had been more lucid he could have maybe explained better, and appreciated noah trying.

“Not...none….” he was finding it very difficult to speak out loud.

“You don't feel anything?”

“..r..right..”

“Is it like you feel sick?”

“S..sorta..”

“What kind of sick.”

“Breathing...is...is hard…” kevin forced himself to speak, using all of his energy to make the words come out clearly even if he kept losing the train of thought. “Head feels...weird…”

“Like a head cold or like you hit your head or something.”

“Hit it.”

“Ok ok, but you can talk..were talking uhm…”noah thought for awhile, “ just...try and breathe...deep breaths and uhm just try and focus, on whats around you, don't go to sleep” 

Kevin did as much as he could, there wasn't much he could focus on but noah who, he realized somewhat suddenly, had his hands on his shoulders.

“Try and count to 10.” noah told him suddenly. Kevin did so stumbling on a few numbers, when he'd get confused noah would have him start again until he finally got to ten, and then he asked him to go to twenty, from the beginning, and then to thirty. At which point he was feeling more grounded, he could breathe a little easier as well. 

“Are you feeling better?” noah asked taking his hands away from kevins shoulders as he was not swaying like he was going to fall over anymore. 

“Uhm...well...its easier to...talk..”

“You wanna talk about something else? To distract you?” 

“..yeah yeah..”

Noah thought for a moment while kevin did what he told him to do, taking deep breaths and trying to focus his mind on where he was. It was as though his body wanted to slip back into the delirious state, as though he were exhausted and wanted to fall asleep

“Remember when we met?” noah asked kevin, who tried to think clearly to remember.

“Yeah i do, you were really little…..i didn't know you...remembered that..” 

“I do. I remember it was at...at milos house, his birthday and you were over and i just remember being so happy and being kinda intimidated by you. But you were so nice.”

“Really ?...why? “ kevin tilted his head, interested.

“Well you were alot bigger than me,” noah said in a tone that almost sounded like a joke, “but mainly you were always just, really...i don't know cool or something. I always wished i could be like you.”

“Oh..” kevin murmured, noah talking seemed to help him think, he could focus more, the edges of his mind became clearer.

“I was always really excited when i knew you were gonna be there. I always kinda missed you.” noah mused, “i was really happy when you moved down here.” 

“I liked when you were around too it was nice to have friends,” kevin said a weak smile emerging. “ you and..milo, even if i didn't see you all the time, were my favorite people.” 

“You really were my only friends, both of you..” noah said, biting at his nails some, “i always wondered why either of you even bothered to hang around me…”

“Why wouldn't we?”

“Well cus…...i'm me.” noah shrugged, “are you ok?”

“Yeah a little..i mean better than before. “

“Good’ noah nodded, “What happened?”

“Well...lately i've sorta had these...moments where i almost black out and when i do blackout and wake up i don't remember what happened..and i usually feel sick.” kevin admitted, despite the anxiety of telling him. 

“Is that...what almost happened now?” noah asked and when he nodded he could see some sort of realization in his expression,”is that...when...with the knife..”

“Yeah..” kevin looked away biting his lip some.

Noah was silent for a moment. Kevin afraid to meet his eye, but iin looking up at him saw guilt in his features.

“I'm sorry. “ he murmured “i blamed you for it but i don't think...it was you now…”kevin figured he meant that it had been the observer, something he tried not to think about.

“You sure put up with a lot of shit kev…” he mumbled after a few more minutes.

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean you're still here...after everything i put you through man..” noah sighed not looking at kevin and picking at old scabs on his arm, next to still red, fresh cuts. “Blaming you, lying to you, yelling at you, fuckin making you be nice to me...i wish you had someone better.”

“Hey,” kevin reached over and gently pulled noah's hand away from picking at the wounds. “I don't think there is anyone better. I forgive you.” he struggled to force three more words out, and couldn't, but hoped what he had said would get his meaning across. Noah covered his mouth and blinked back tears.

“I'm sorry.” noah's voice cracked some and he took a deep breath. “I don't want you to like feel sorry for me or anything i'm...i'm sorry it's affecting you. You're the last person who deserves it.” 

Kevin patted his back gently, and the silence that followed was sad, but not uncomfortable. There wasn't much to be said but the relief of forgiveness and the solidarity of knowing what the other was fighting and they wouldn't be alone, sparked something like hope in kevins mind. 

Noah stood up after several minutes, potentially just restless, and grabbed the box looking at it with distaste. He opened it but blocked the contents from kevinks view which kevin was somewhat grateful for. Noah looked at the note in the box, he saw kevin about to ask him what it said and shook his head.

“We can deal with this shit later, it's just meaningless threats and mindgame bullshit. I think you should rest. “

“You're probably right. I just don't really wanna be alone.” kevin admitted softly/

“You wanna just relax with the tv or something?”noah asked a little awkward seeming.

“I think that'd be nice.” kevin smiled, a little easier than before. Relived at there finally being a good thing to come out of this.


	9. Dirty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Keep hoping.  
> Nothing to spare.  
> So my life.  
> Isn't quite there.  
> Feel like a whore.  
> A dirty whore.  
> Such a whore.  
> Dirty. 
> 
> I'm out here, by myself.  
> All alone.  
> Ready to blow my head off.  
> I hurt so bad inside.  
> I wish you could see the world through my eyes.  
> Each day is the same  
> I just wanna laugh again.
> 
> I'll Take it  
> I'll Take It  
> I Will Take it  
> Into you.
> 
> You dirty little fuck.]
> 
> noah never imagined it would actually get worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE TW: sexual harassment, borderline sexual assault, mentions of implied sexual assault, mentions of self harm, insensitive refrences to self harm [anything else please let me know]
> 
> ive been sitting on this chapter for awhile, fun fact, and its fairly bad and kinda makes me uncomfortable so please be careful.

A few days of pondering the box with little results left noah frustrated and more than a little frightened.the note had been written in german and despite noah knowing kevin would have been able to read it, noah didn't let him. And he didn't try and look it up either. He felt like the knowledge of what it said would end the unstable peace they had established.

He sat one night thinking about it. Wondering and hoping things would stay the way they were. As he thought he realized he had not heard anything from kevin in the past few hours. This wasn't uncommon, but he didn't hear anything. No noise, no television, nothing. Several worried minutes passed and eventually noah couldn't stand to not know if he was alright. Sneaking out from his room and creeping down the hall, he told himself he'd just make sure kevin was asleep or something and that everything would be alright.

Noah crept around the corner, he saw kevin, but there was something off about him, and the atmosphere around him. Noah couldn't place it but there was warning signs going off in his head but he couldn't figure as to why and wanted to ignore it. Everything in his mind told him not too, but unlike every other time before, he pushed back against it.

Regret would come when he realized what had happened. 

“Kevin?” 

“Hello hello hello,” kevin whipped around, grinning widely and horribly. 

It was Kevin's body,shit it was Kevin's voice almost, but different echoing and cruel. Noah could physically feel the fear hit him like a brick to the face. It wasn't kevin. 

“Motherfucker..” noah hissed onder his breath, enraged at seeing this fucking thing in place of kevin. Stealing his quiet mild mannered demeanor and replacing it with a too wide smile and vile intentions. 

“Nice decorations,”the observer smirked gesturing to the wounds on Noah's wrists. “You should touch some of those up though, they're fading.” 

“Don't remember asking for your input, so I don't wanna fucking hear it.”Noahs voice laced itself with venom, genuine hatred in every word. 

“Why not? You still like it so much clearly. Fucking pathetic.” He hissed at Noah. His voice, his subtle movements so much different from Kevin. Noah couldn't seem to see his eyes. 

“Did you want me to help again? Was that fun?” Observers face split into a grotesque grin. “They're so much bigger now that I showed you how to do it. Oh you're going to look just like your cousin because those aren't ever going to heal right. all cut up-” 

“Shut up. Shut the fuck up!” Noah yelled at the demon interrupting him. Observer just cackled with glee, as Noah's fists were clenched and shaking.

“That's a bit of a sore subject huh? Pissed you right off. No reason to yell however, that's fucking rude.” 

“Fucking Go away, just fuck off I'm so fucking sick of you and your games and everything else.just fuck off and leave me alone.” Noah kept yelling but not moving either closer or further away from the observer who tilted his head if he were considering Noah's demands. Noah was aware that this wouldn't help and would only make things worse but God it felt good to yell and scream at the thing that caused so much pain. He partially wanted to hit him, but couldn't bring himself to try knowing it wasn't observers body and knowing it was Kevin he'd be hurting. 

“Are you done? “ observer said coolly, unperturbed by Noah's ranting and raving. “You know, you're such a pretty little boy but God you're obnoxious. I'd like you even better if you just….didn't speak. I could cover your mouth and you'd be absolutely perfect.” The last words coming out much softer and the tone of his voice coupled with the “complement” repulsing Noah. Observer stepped closer and help out a hand as if he wanted to touch Noah's face.

“Do not fucking put your hands on me.” Noah backed away quickly, his voice wavering. Observers expression shifted, he was displeased and the corner of his mouth twitched slightly. When he spoke it was light and threatening.

“Oh Noah, sweet stubborn Noah. You are ours, you always have been and you always will be. We can touch you whenever and however We like.” Observer said almost lovingly, still moving closer to Noah who continued to back away. “You don't get to tell us no. You are property and we will do what we like with you.” His voice suddenly firm it sending chills down Noah's spine and dread to his stomach. 

“That being said, you have to atone for some things. You've been very Bad.” Noah was now cornered into the wall and panicked when he felt it against his back. He was trapped, and he mentally hit himself for letting it happen. “You've been damaging our property Noah. And doing things you're not supposed to.” 

“I'll do what I damn well please fucker.” Noah was defiant, like a caged animal he wasn't going to just roll over to appease his aggressor. “I don't fucking answer to you.” 

“Yet.” 

“Hey asshole that Firebrand guy doesn't answer to you either does he?”

“You don't understand what happened, what it sacrificed to become something despicable. It is just as selfish as you, I mean, after all it is just you isn't it.” Observer said smoothly, while saying each ‘it’ with disdain.

“You're the one that's fucking disgusting and selfish, I never did anything to deserve this shit.” 

“Projecting much? I never called you disgusting, though admittedly you are. Keeping my vessel here for your own sick pleasure I assume.” Observer said with a kind of haughty superiority, Noah could tell he was getting irritated however. “Maybe you didn't ‘deserve’ it before but, with what you've done you definitely deserve it now.” 

“What the fuck does that mean.” 

“You know I exactly what I fucking mean you pathetic goddamn fucking slime.” Observer spat. “Tell me, how long were you going to keep putting your little friend in danger because you were too selfish? Don't you care about him? Aren't you disgusting enough to love him like you supposedly do? If you did you'd send him away like you did with everyone else. What happened to isolating yourself so no one else got hurt? Or do you just not care anymore about how many bodies you leave behind so long as you get what you want? You're despicable. Absolutely disgusting. And you know the best part?” His grin grew wide and horrible, “you're just like me. ” 

“Fuck you,” Noah hissed back, with no better response. The demon wanted to get under his skin and remind him of his sins, and it was working.

“Is that all you have? All you have to defend yourself and your shit choices? Just ‘fuck you’ plain and simple huh? You think that's going to fucking help you? Does that make you a fucking hero Noah?” Observer shook his head grinning. “Oh we're going to tear you to pieces and all anyone will have to remember you by is that stupid, pathetic ass ‘fuck you’.” 

“You're not gonna put another goddamn hand on me, now or ever again.” Noah's voice was shaking, from rage or terror he didn't know and wasn't going to guess. 

“I'm not am I?” Observers voice was ice cold and menacing, his lips curling into a nasty sneer which seemed like the beginnings of a growl.

“No you're not, fuck you, fuck your boss I hate you get the fuck out of-” 

Observers hands suddenly clasped around Noah's throat, cutting him off and blocking his ability to breathe. They seemed to burn like knives shoved into his skin and Noah couldn't move or scream and he didn't understand why. “You need to show a little respect. Remember you're not a human being, you're a piece of a puzzle and a toy. Remember who you belong to, remember you're ours, mine and no one else's.” The demon cooed taking one hand and caressing Noah's face. All Noah could do was whimper pathetically and pray to whatever was out there that observer would leave without doing worse. 

Of course, he wasn't going to just leave. Of course he had to make it worse. 

“Look at me.” Observer hissed holding his head in place, he must have enjoyed seeing Noah so scared, God he was scared. Closer and closer, Noah felt sick somehow knowing what was coming and yet denying it and wishing he could fucking move. Observer was on him in a way he hadn't ever been. Pressing their lips together as one would a lover and yet there was nothing in this that wasn't possessive and cruel, the creature somehow taking something else from Noah. Not just his dignity, not just loved ones, but a first intimate moment he had wanted to share with someone, and now anyone, but a monster. 

Why were their lips touching, why did it almost hurt, he wanted to hit him he wanted to scream but he was absolutely defenseless. He could feels the creatures hand move from his head to crawl his way along his body making him shiver and squirm involuntarily, wishing and praying it would be over soon and so goddamn scared of what could happen very easily. Even if he could scream for help no one would hear him. 

“Just think noah, very soon you can have this all the time. We can be alone. Just me an you. Ask your little god friend sometime, what it did because it wanted to. It wanted me noah and i know you do too.” observer whispered mere inches from noah's face holding him in place so he couldn't even look away. Noah whimpered as the observer leaned in even closer. “You're hardly a god when you're on your knees don't you think?” 

The demon backed away only a moment later, though it felt like an eternity, and without anything else he was gone. Noah collapsed to the floor and sobbed uncontrollably, shaking and unable to breathe. Eventually curling up on the ground, feeling like a terrified child. Feeling disgusted and used and guilty. He lay there nearly wanting to vomit and terrified like every noise was the observer coming back to do worse to him.


	10. Pay For It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Never gonna be perfect  
> No, never gonna be, never good enough, not for me  
> I know I'll feel this way forever  
> I don't want you to hate me , I want you to want to hate me  
> I wanna pay for it, all this shit  
> I wanna pay for it like a god damn son of a bitch]
> 
> kevin tries to find what noah cannot come to terms with

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of sexual assault, mentions of self harm, suicidal ideation
> 
> oh man this fics gonna be a year old soon, which is wild as hell. ill see what i can do about posting two or so chapters next month at least.  
> anyway enjoy some...pain

Kevin jerked awake from another in a series of confusing dreams, the last one ending with him falling, impossibly far. This last dream at least had the decency to be relatively normal, his other dreams were twisted and unclear, or vague almost memories he didn't remember. All of them nightmares technically but besides the twisting of anxiety in his stomach he hardly noticed. He stood up and wandered aimlessly through the house, trying to clear his head and calm down, but making no progress since he couldn't stop thinking about the dreams and trying to deduce what they meant.

He kept getting the flashes in his mind. The Half formed memories that didn't connect growing more frequent than ever before. Snapshots almost, from events he couldn't place and all of them different. Except unlike before they had begun to move or progress. Feeling more like the start of a memory than a flicker of deja vu. He almost recognized some of them, but only a being from the videos noah's had posted, and he had definitely had a different perspective. Some were mere flashes but some played out longer and more clearly.

He was sitting on a railing, lit cigarette in hand staring into the same lake he'd seen it rise from the water. Only low buzzing could be heard. 

He was lurking around Noah's home, the outside of it. For whatever reason he kept throwing things at the house and shaking the bushes outside. 

The last, most concerning one, was him standing in noah's kitchen. He didn't know what he was thinking but could tell it wa sinister, and vile. He heard a noise behind him and his body turned on it's own. He saw noah, who looked furious, and heard himself cackle. And then heard nothing else. Only seeing himself walk closer to noah who backed away but was clearly yelling at him. The memory only then started to fade until there was nothing that he could see. It didn't quite end only having a huge blank spot in the middle, and when the memory picked back up, he only saw noah shaking and horrified for a split second before it ended completely.

Noah had gotten worse. 

It was inexplicable how the slight comfort they'd built turned ice cold and kevin didn't know why. Noah showed physical symptoms of something, He'd seen red patches of skin on Noah's neck and face that looked as if he'd rubbled them raw. He'd heard him waking up and begging to nothing in the middle of the night, usually not to touch him or leave him alone. He'd felt him shudder at being lightly touched accidentally. He'd seen him go to walk to one side of his own living room and freeze before nearly running away. All this and he didn't know what happened.

And it was maddening.

He found noah hunched over in the living room when he came back from attempting to brush his teeth and do something with his hair, despite failing due to lack of any motivation to do either. He looked absolutely miserable and kevin didn't even feel right trying to say hello.

“Hey..noah.”

Noah looked at him and nodded half heartedly. Kevin sighed sitting near him, the first contact in a little while and it didn't seem to be going anywhere. He went to start to say something several times before halting and giving up. The silence unbearable but better than talking.

“Hey uh..” kevin started but found he lost his words when noah looked over at him. He cleared his throat and tried again.

“Uhm, do you…..can I hug you?” Kevin asked softly. He hoped maybe if he asked it would help somehow. And god knows he needed it himself, probably more than noah. 

“Don't touch me...please..”

“Sorry uh..noah what..what's wrong?” kevin made eye contact needing to try and find something in his expression that would help him understand what was going on. And all he found was the same sadness but worse.

“It's….i don't wanna talk about it..”

“Oh.” kevin felt his heart sink. He couldn't make noah talk to him, and didn't want to make him. He wanted noah to want to talk about it. There just didn't seem to be a way for that to happen. 

Hours passed before they even saw one another again, kevin having gone outside and, despite his disappointment in noah for doing the same, he resorted to smoking, chain smoking in fact, to try and think and relax and mostly for anything at all to do. When he came back inside, Noah was shaking and crying, curled up on the couch. He stood for a moment unsure of himself before he approached noah and sat down next to him. Noah flinched and sat up looking over at him, his expression that of someone who thought they were going to get hit for something. 

“Hey..sorry if i scared you.” kevin murmured eventually working up the nerve. “Whats up?”

Noah somehow looked even more afraid. “I...nothing...uh.”

“Noah whats wrong, please tell me..”kevin insisted, but softly. 

“You...you're mad at me..” he stuttered out, his words fumbling over themselves.

“No i'm not. I'm not mad noah i promise..”

“i ...you stopped ..stopped talking to me..you left...”

“I'm sorry i shouldn't have, but i'm not mad at you i just...i want to know whats wrong ok? I worry about you.”

Noah sniffed and took shaking breaths, holding his arms and finally making eye contact with kevin. Kevin bit his lip wondering if he should prompt him further.

“Hey can you...tell me about what's been bothering you.” 

“I...i c..could. It's not..” noah shifted around his face skewed in discomfort. “It's...it's nothing...really..”

“Noah it..it has to be something..” kevin started gently. “You're too upset for it to be nothing.” 

“I..i just,,,sorta..i justs sorta...got hurt...a little...kinda…” noah twitched. “B..but not really..just”

“Noah honey you won't even go in your own kitchen..” kevin started but stopped, “your kitchen...something happened in your..”

“I...well nothin really..it..wasn't...” noah stammered

“The...the observer did something...didn't he” kevin murmured coming to the realization. The whole room was suddenly icey. “he did something to you”

“I..he ..it wasn't..” noah stuttered, his hands fidgeting and trying to find something to do to release nervous energy. 

“What did he do noah.” 

“I don't..”

“What did he do.”

Noah started crying, he looked so small and hurt, and as much as kevin heard him cry he sounded more afraid then he ever had. Through sobs noah tried to explain what had been done to him.

“He...he was just there...fucking taunting me...telling me to do worse to myself an...yelling at me for doing it in the first place...i...i made him mad...he g-grabbed m-me...kept..kept touching.. Me..he...he k-kissed me and i...i” 

Noah couldn't speak anymore, but kevin had gotten the overall idea. The thing had very nearly assaulted him, fuck as far as kevin was concerned it had. 

Kevin felt suddenly like a stranger in his own body

He had no right to, he told himself. He had no right to feel at all like how noah probably felt. This was his fault. It was all his fault. And now look at noah, even more of a mess than he'd been and it was all. Kevins. Fault. 

“I'm sorry....im so sorry..”

Noah didn't say anything back, he didn't seem as though he could, as though he could hardly breathe let alone speak. Still, the message was clear. Nothing would fix this. 

Noah got up and left the room. Several minutes passed and kevin waited. And waited. He had no idea what to do and now for the first time in his life he wandered, very genuinely, how he could take this suffering out on himself. Somehow that would make things better. It would right the wrong he'd done, the hurt he'd caused. 

Nothing seemed like enough. It wasn't enough to hurt himself. It wasn't enough to make up for the damage.there was nothing he could do to make up for this and to, honestly, forgive himself in his own eyes. 

There was no way to erase the guilt. And only one way to silence it.


	11. Dissociative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Sometimes we walk like we were shot through our heads, my love  
> We write our song in space like we are already dead and gone  
> Your world was killing me  
> Your world was killing me  
> Disassociative  
> Your world was killing me  
> Your world was killing me  
> Disassociative  
> I can never get out of here  
> I don't want to just float in fear  
> A dead astronaut in space  
> The nervous systems down, the nervous systems down  
> I know]
> 
> Its all just too much to live with

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG TW: Suicide attempt, graphic descriptions of suicide/ways to commit it,   
> be..careful w this chapter but if you can read it feel free to tell me what you think.

Kevin lived two weeks more depressed than he'd ever been in his life. He spent the whole time basically not leaving the couch. Noah would come into the living room and didn't seem to see kevin, and when he did kevin could see the scars of what he'd done to him, not covered. Not as if noah wasn't ashamed, but that he didn't care anymore. He would leave the house for long periods of time and when he came back he was obviously drunk or otherwise inhibited. Kevin was well aware he was more than likely abusing more than just his body and alcohol. 

Kevin felt nothing. Or he felt an insurmountable amount of guilt. He couldn't force himself to do anything, he couldn't speak to noah, he couldn't even handle looking a him. 

It had gotten to a point where he for the first time he could remember, he legitimately was considering just ending his life. Sure he'd wanted to die before, more often than perhaps normal and definitely more often recently, but this was different. He actively was thinking out ideas, entertaining the notion as if it were just some story. Had he not been able to force himself to move beyond bare necessity, he might have actually tried. In some kind of irony he was too numb to think about, his cripplingly depressed state was keeping him alive. 

But such states of being don't last forever, no matter how it may feel like the vast expanse of misery was endless. 

Noah had left again, thin, unkempt, and haunted he hardly resembled even a ghost of his former self. Yet kevin felt nothing for him. Not pity, not sadness, not anger; no emotion reared it's head when he saw him. That fact, he thought to himself, really proved he deserved to die. He couldn't even feel anything like a normal human being, so maybe he just wasn't one anymore. Maybe that was enough to get rid of himself. 

Suddenly spurred into action for the first time in weeks, kevin stood and pulled a backpack out from under the couch that he'd hidden the gun in. He'd though through this plan, at least somewhat, as it was the quickest and easiest way he knew how. Even if he didn't die straight away he'd bleed to death before noah came home. It was practically foolproof. He'd thought through at least in what way he would do it if he did. 

Not with pills. That had been how milo had done it and he refused to entertain the notion that he was in anyway like milo.

Strangulation seemed far fetched and theatrical and kevin was sure he couldn't tie anything tight enough. 

No slit wrists, it just seemed too messy and uncertain, and he felt as though noah would feel like he had been mocking him. That seemed like a noah reaction.

The gun. Quick, easy, and the chance of him surviving was fantastic and improbable. It was impersonal. Though he felt somewhat cheap for taking such an easy way out. 

He felt cowardly. His next actions increasing his guilt as he went about them. A letter, a fairly long letter in his hands how he'd written it he wasn't even sure, he didn't know what it said, the decision on where to leave it delaying him. Five minutes. Five extra minutes of being alive wasted on where to put his last words. Words he didn't even think he wrote. The next decisions, would he stand or sit? Put the barrel in his mouth or to his head? This particular room didn't lock, but the floors were tile and not carpet. Easier to clean the mess. Why did he have to leave a mess? Both literally and figuratively, he was leaving Noah with a mess to clean and things to repair, But he wasn't stopping now. No, he'd already began the chain of events that ended everything for him, how could he now stop himself and walk away, failing to do even this for Noah. He wondered somewhere in the back of his mind if this was how milo felt, but how could he, how Dare he compare himself to milo. In every way he was a coward and milo never had the luxury of being happy. Milo ever had the luxury of another person in his life. 

He sat, on his knees, holding the gun. Staring at the thing that would, if all went well, end his life. He felt numb. He'd become so hellbent on doing it, so dead set on ceasing to live, and yet here he was stuck in a limbo. His own damned brain not letting him complete the last steps. His mind was thinking “do it do it now quickly before he come home” and yet his body wouldn't cooperate. Still, he felt nothing. How selfish of him then to take his own life, abandon the one person he still had and feel nothing. 

Selfish. He was selfish.

Suddenly the door was ajar, and suddenly he saw his friend, his only friend in the goddamn world standing in the doorway,yet nothing felt real. The heavy silence weighed on the room and they were frozen in the eternal limbo of the few seconds it took for the shock to wear off. 

“Kevin….pl-please put it down… Just put it down and let's talk before you get hurt.” Noah said surprisingly calm though his voice was shaking and he seemed terrified to step closer. 

“No..I..have to...I have to,” Kevin heard himself mumbling still numb.

“No Kevin no you don't, you don't have to, it's ok, it'll be ok if you just put it down. We'll talk ok it'll be ok please” 

“No… It's the only way to fix it……” He was shaking as he lifted the gun.

“No, no no no we… We can fix things we can make whatever it is better but I need you to do that, “ Noah took a deep breath and took one tiny step closer. “Please Kevin you have to keep fighting this, please.” 

“Can't..” kevin finally broke, tears falling from his face yet he had no idea what he was feeling, like he was feeling every single emotion at once.

“You can kevin i..”

“I can't….I can't I can't I can't….” Kevin sobbed holding the barrel to his temple. “I can't k-keep d-doing th-this..look at what he does….what I do...t-to you.” 

“No no come on Kevin we can talk it's not you-”

“Yes it fucking is!” Kevin yelled back trembling his finger still dangerously lingering over the trigger. “He wouldn't be here… He wouldn't have a way to be here...it's my fault it's because I didn't do it earlier!” He choked and sobbed harder.

“Kevin please don't say that, don't do this,” Noah begged more desperate than Kevin had ever seen or heard him. His vision was skewed with tears and yet he could make out the anguish in Noah's expression. “I'm sorry I know it's hard, I know It doesn't seem to make a difference and I know it hurts but please please just put it down we'll figure something out I'll be better I'll do fucking anything just please…” 

“Nothing's gonna fix this….it's not gonna get better...he'll just get worse n’ it's all ‘cus of me” Kevin said feeling every thought, every feeling he'd had for months, every memory that had been seeping back into his consciousness pour out into everything he said. “You're in danger with me even being alive...and I'm so close to you he can hurt you whenever he wants….” 

“Kevin please listen, he could do that anyway. You keep me here; you keep me more stable than I've been in years. im sorry i haven't shown you what you mean to me... I'm sorry I haven't done that for you but I can try, I want to try, I want to help you please let's talk, lets work through it…you're the only reason i'm still alive at all”

“It w-won't fix anything.... I can't stay it's too much guilt..I can't just run off cus he’ll just come back so I have to.. Noah I have to.”

“Kevin I can't do anything without you, I need you, you're the only good thing in my life anymore, I love you I'm so sorry, please stay with me please…” 

“I'm sorry Noah..”

“Please Kevin...I can't lose you too please….”

Kevin closed his eyes, he couldn't look at Noah's heartbroken, pleading face anymore. He was shaking violently while trying to hold still enough to aim and pull the trigger. He was crying too hard to steady his hand. Something grabbed onto the barrel of the weapon and yanked it away from his head, he fought against it trying desperately to put it back, all the while unable to open his eyes. His finger was still pressed dangerously against the trigger. The more he struggled the closer it got until he felt it give way under his grip. 

The gunshot echoed throughout the room, Kevin broke down sobbing hysterically as Noah wrapped his arms around him, holding him close, hands over the gun that was now aimed at the ground. A hole now in the floor and smoke rising from the end of the gun. Noah gripped it, trying to pull it away until Kevin let go and slid it across the floor far away from them. Kevin found himself clinging to Noah desperate and unable to really breathe. Noah simply held him rocking back and forth slightly. Kevin was vaguely aware that he was crying softly into his shoulder but unable to do anything about it. 

“Wh-why d-did I ddo thatt? Wh-why was i-I gonna do that?” Kevin shivered still whimpering. Finally the realization of what he'd been about to do dawned on him, what he would have done if Noah hadn't been there, and somehow that was terrifying now. That he'd been so close. 

“Shhhh” Noah was so soft that it was hard to know if he'd made any noise at all. He continued rocking back and forth and gently rubbing his back. “I've got you it's ok…”


	12. Petals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [They will make you so, so cynical  
> the fire burns the flesh;  
> destroys the best that made our souls]
> 
> talking, reliving your life and wondering where exactly things went downhill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: refrences to self harm, refrences to suicide
> 
> ok last chapter i promise i just get excited you gotta wait for the next couple

The weeks in the aftermath were in of themselves strange. An uncertain relationship, with the heavy atmosphere, and questions that were left unasked and thus unanswered. 

Kevin himself was trying to recover. He was badly shaken and kept waking up sweating and crying. Sleep was restless if it happened and only lasted for short naps. He desperately wanted to cling to Noah when he thought about it, he'd saved his life, but Noah seemed just as distant and melancholy as ever. There had been the minutes of Noah holding him, comforting him and making sure he was safe, refusing to leave him alone, Kevin had watched him stay up all night just watching over him, it was these things that reflected Noah as kevin Knew him. A genuinely kind and soft person, someone who cared,Someone who loved. He had every right and reason to be hurting so much, but there was something hopeful at seeing him still there behind the defensive layers of nihilism, anger, and fear. 

Did he love him. Now that was hardly a question. Why else would he stay? He'd disowned himself as a genuinely good person a long time ago, he wouldn't be here without some sort of pull to Noah. He felt guilty. Both the general guilt that came with loving another man, something ingrained from childhood regardless of how much he rejected to notion that he was wrong in that, and the guilt that he, his body, had hurt Noah for so long in irreparable ways. He refused to entertain the thought of Noah loving him. How could he, he surely wasn't that self destructive. He more than likely had zero interest in men and, on the very slim chance he did, he was sure to have no desire for Kevin. He would be repulsed by the idea regardless. 

Kevin sat one evening thinking, wondering and perhaps overthinking Noah saying he loved him. Twice now he had said it. The one time while pleading for Kevin's life, and the next not long after where Kevin had left to go get food and Noah had stopped him at the door, seeming nervous, to tell him to be careful and that he loved him. Kevin had said nothing either time. He was scared of Noah hating him but felt awful at the thought of Noah undoing progress he'd made or feeling rejected. 

Noah was there on the other side of the room seeming similarly lost in thought. Often when he simply sat lost in his own mind he gave off an almost ethereal appearance, like a prince lounging gracefully on his throne. He was a beautiful man and no amount of sickness, mental or otherwise, would deter Kevin from believing so. 

“Hey...you ok?” noah cut through the silence gently, nearly whispering. 

“Yeah...well sorta...i'm just thinking .” kevin shrugged, his head resting in his hands.

“What about?” noah seemed nervous, from how kevin knew him it was probably because he worried he was intruding or being annoying. Kevin appreciated him trying to be more around for him. 

“Well...about...about a few weeks ago when i...yknow..” kevin was equally nervous about bringing it up but he didn't think he'd get another chance. 

“Oh..”

More silence, with Noah looking somewhat upset but not anymore than normal.

“Kev, I'm...I'm sorry.” He murmured eventually.

“What for?” 

“I...I wasn't around for you..then. I was just off doing fuck all and you needed help and I should have seen that.” Noah ran his hands through his hair. “I'm sorry you almost ended up...dead and i….it would have been just like with...I almost just let everything fucking repeat itself like I never learned anything.”

“Noah I don't blame you.” Kevin said, wondering if he should have brought this up. 

“Well you should.” Noah said bitterly. “And I'm sorry for..leaving you alone for these past few weeks. That's fucked up I should have been around more and I'm sorry..,I don't wanna do that shit anymore.”

“Noah, man listen I'm not mad about that. I..I probably would have done the same in your place. “ he insisted. “But if it makes you feel any better at all...I forgive you man.” 

Noah sighed, looking at the floor and Kevin watched him for a few minutes trying to work up the courage to ask him something he felt he needed to know, I'd been nagging him, what with his near death experience. He just don't know if Noah was up to answering. 

“Can i ask you something?”

“Sure i guess..”

“When you left that day...you came home a lot sooner than usual. what happened?” kevin murmured, looking at him but not making eye contact.

“I...i just..” noah scratched the back of his head. “ i had this feeling i guess...i don't know something just felt..off. I guess i just felt like i needed to be with you and...well...i was sick of just drinking an shit so much.”

“Well that's good right?”

“I guess for now but it doesn't mean anything. In another few weeks or a month ill just be on another spiral. It never really lasts.” noah shrugged sighing. 

“It doesn't have to be like that yknow. I mean all this time you've been alone. You didn't have anyone here to talk to or..or help you.” kevin suggested moving slightly closer to him. 

“That doesn't make much of a difference.” noah huffed running his hands through his hair. “I wasn't any fuckin better before all this yknow..”

Kevin remembered all the times he'd perhaps overlooked how much noah was drinking when they hung out before milo had died, and all the times he'd been much to young to be drinking in the first place. It all seemed crystal clear how he'd gotten to this point. All the warning signs were there; No one had ever really called him on it, and now there was no one around to and it didn't matter anyway. Noah was well aware of his condition. 

“Thats not your fault though.” kevin eventually stated.

“What do you mean?”

“Well...i don't think anyone ever...paid much attention. And you kinda just were left thinking what you were doing was ok and normal. Alot of people drink when they're upset..it probably just seemed like everyone did it.” kevin admittedly had not thought much of it himself, and now felt guilty realizing this had been such a deeply ingrained issue. 

“I guess if that's true, i sorta have a fuckin reason to do it now. “ noah sighed “ or at least more of a reason.”

Kevin looked at him. His demeanor admittedly, was not that different from how he remembered it, his overall Health and the obvious trauma was, but not his habitual issues. Maybe it was just that now, noah was less intent on bottling all of his emotions so no one knew better. Maybe it was because the only person he was around now was kevin, and kevin had alway been able to tell he was less ok than he said. He had just ignored it in favor of hoping for the best. He hadn't realized there were much deeper issues noah already had, even now he didn't know what they were but it was obvious now noah was more than just a little shy or awkward. Maybe it was the lenses of high school years that blinded him to the misery in his friend gaze., or he innate feeling of being trapped in your own head and body as a teenager , that makes it impossible to consider that others feel the same way and worse. 

“Youve always had to deal with things hm.”

“Well...i guess but it wasn't the same shit that you or…”

“Well yeah it's never gonna be the same but it's still important. “ kevin insisted. “Whatever was up with you back then...just wasn't something people could really see. And that's not fair..”

“Well...nothing i guess that was wrong like...ever got better. “ noah picked at peeling skin on his hands. “I thought i was fine compared to fuckin now but ….It's not anything you can change...i tried, i tried really fuckin hard.”

“Somethings just...happen to people. I-i mean anyone can be like depressed or anxious or..”

“Gay.”

Kevin stopped, surprised, he scanned noah's facial expression finding that he looked scared and sad. 

“well ...yeah..” kevin tried to say something else, something more meaningful. But nothing came out and he felt bad looking at noah, who clearly expected some kind of huge reaction as he was braced for it. He appeared like he regretted saying it outloud. 

“Noah..uhm are you...saying..” kevin stuttered, angry that he once again was horrible at comfort, or any kind of meaningful affirmation. 

“Yeah that's...that was always my biggest..problem.”

“Why did you tell me now? “

“I kinda figured you already found out and made your judgements. Spose i was just confirming it..”

“I never knew” kevin stated truthfully. “I mean it's not...it's not a problem on it's own but..i do understand that it probably made things hard right?”

“Yeah...i just….i'm know everyone thought so anyway, i just never could really... own it.” noah admitted “i wasn't like you..” 

“So you never told anyone?”

“I…..never _could_ tell anyone. I couldn't handle it if milo had hated me or my parents didn't want me to be their son anymore….Mary always gave me dirty looks, I think she knew somehow. And it's not like I needed more harassment from strangers I guess I just thought I'd keep it a secret forever.” Noah said as though he were confessing to something awful. “As if everything else wasn't bad enough I just had to be gay too. I guess none of that matters now milo would already hate me, I'm as good as dead to my family. I guess I just wasn't willing to risk losing you.”

“Why would you..lose me? Especially If you already knew I was like you, why would that change anything?”

“I don't know i guess i just thought you would...it was kinda stupid to think but either way it just didn't seem important like, you had no reason to need to know.” Noah shrugged, he gave Kevin a sort of sideways glance, almost something hopeful. Kevin swallowed and took a deep breath wondering if he should say anything, he’d fantasized about noah telling him something like this for years, and yet now he felt dirty just hearing it.

“I'm your friend aren't i?” kevin said finally, internally pissed at himself for being a coward. Though he tried to convince himself this wasn't the right time for a confession, that it was only about noah. “Why wouldn't I want to know about something if it's important to you.”

“I guess...i mean it really doesn't matter too much,” Noah sighed, there was something like disappointment in his tone. Kevin was sure he'd imagined it however.

“It matters to me.”

“But i'm just always going to be fucking this now. I'm probably gonna just die like this yknow. It doesn't matter that i'm this that or anything else. “ he took a shaking breath. “ i'm close to the end now and...none of that mattered.”

“I...i'm sorry noah.” kevin whispered, feeling nothing but hurt in his chest. It ached to see someone he loved so dearly say these things with such a finality. 

“Are you going to leave.” noah asked, his voice cracked ever so slightly at the end. His face tragic and hurt as always, but in one of the moments were his mask cracked, and what was seen underneath was a man desperate for anything to hold onto. 

“I care about you noah, im not going to leave.” kevin said hoping beyond hope that that was enough for him, that noah understood what he was saying.that it made him feel less alone. 

Noah hung his head. Kevin wondered if he'd said something wrong again until noah looked up again. He rolled his sleeves up showing kevin what he realized was an even worse relapse, or admittedly a continuation, as he'd never asked noah to try and work to stop. He saw something like desperation in noah's eyes as he scanned his own forearms, disgust also evident in his expression. 

“Kevin i'm never going to get better. I'm never going to be alright again. I've been broken for a really long time and nothing is going to fix me now. “ he started, pausing to take a shaking breath and closing his eyes. “And if you stay all that's going to happen is you're going to wish you'd left. You'll never be happy, or fulfilled or anything but hurt if you're around me. I can't help you, i can't make you feel like wanting to live, i don't even want to live. I know i said you keep me here, and you do, but nothing lasts for me. I'm nothing but this status quo of misery and i'm never going to be anything but detrimental to you trying to heal. I want you to go now and never look back. And know you'll be better for it.”

kevin felt as though noah had very gently taken his heart and crushed it. Noah didn't want anyone around him, he'd made it perfectly clear that the guilt was something too ingrained that he couldn't handle. And really thinking of all the weight of all the guilt he must be full of every waking moment made kevin want to curl up and cry all the tears of noah's that had been dried by time and the exhaustion that wouldn't let anymore fall. Everything noah blamed himself for, everything everyone else blamed noah for, everything noah thought he was being blamed for and took to heart. He was someone who it seemed could never love himself again. And kevin was well aware he might never have in the first place. 

How then could kevin say he loved him. 

Selfish. 

“Noah i'm not leaving.” was all kevin could think to say. He watched noah nod and wipe tears away from is eyes. 

“I'm sorry kevin. I'm sorry you're too kind.” noah sighed softly, “ i'm sorry you ever met me.” 

Kevin forced tears back, Noah had a way of saying things and ending these conversations with immeasurably heavy words kevin never knew what to say back to. 

He felt the terror of not knowing how many more days noah would even be around.


End file.
